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Walking My Own Path
by Hoping to break free 10/1/2001
Tearing, Screaming, and Beating
I'm ripping my claws down these walls, feeling so trapped and alone.
No one knows, no one is allowed to know. I can't help but beat my head against the wall.
I thought I could take this, that I could bear this on my shoulders.
I'm not Christ though, I can't hold up some one else's cross and bow my head beneath the thorns. I want to scream, but still my obligations hold me firm.
I want to shriek out truth, to stand and cry and declaim those upon whose shoulders this burden should weigh. Still I stand firm in my resolve. I will not collapse beneath this wieght. Perhaps because I am too proud to do so, or maybe because I care too much, because love for those who are close is overpowering.
Yet if I had to do it again, I would do few things different. I would still take this blame. I would still bear this cross, take these scars, and walk despite the spitting scornful crowds.
Still Christ was not alone and neither am I. I have strength in myself and in those that I care about and who care about me.
I want to fall into the earth and sleep and never wake up. I want the bad dream to end and to find myself in the arms of the one I love, to wake up and feel like there is some one there.
I'm pounding my head on the ground, screaming at the stars for peace, for people to forget, for the world to forgive.
I want out, I want it over, I want it done, but it won't end. It's too big not to make things different. It's too large for people not to be changed, for how things are not to be altered in some permanent or even temporary way. (来源：专业英语学习网站 http://www.EnglishCN.com)
My shoulders are broad. My back is strong. My chin is firm and proud.
Inside though I am fragile, more so than I will ever admit.
Inside I feel as though ice is forever reaching into me and trying to freeze over who I am.
I want the warmth that love brings. I want summer and cool breezes and leaves touching my skin in the joint embrace of tree limbs and the one who has become so trusted.
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